Can you be alone, in your own company? I ask because I know people who just can’t. They need to fill the space with something…anything…to avoid being alone with their thoughts. You know, the ones that seep into every crevice in your brain. The good ones, the bad ones and the ones in between. Can you be alone with your own thoughts? It’s not a question of enjoying your own company. You can do that without allowing the thought creep. I think they’re 2 separate questions.

1. Do you enjoy the company of you? Can you sit and read, do a puzzle, watch TV, dance around the house while doing some housework? No thoughts…just you doing shit you enjoy…alone. I for one enjoy alone time. Coffee (of course), a good book, a crossword puzzle, online browsing, tidying up, organizing shit…I’m good with it all. Although to be honest a good nap is high on the list of things I do when I’m alone. I know most people are ok with this definition of ‘alone time’. Mostly because it’s filled with activity and doesn’t usually involve introspection. Tending to my plant collection to ‘Pink Pony Club’…I’m down for that.

2. Do you enjoy alone time? There will be coffee. But as a chronically ill individual, I’m not always able to fill the alone time with activity. The thoughts start to creep in…they can be benign – ‘what did the doctor say to do about blah blah?’, ‘oh I should really make that eye exam appointment.’, ‘OMG, I haven’t had any contact with (insert name of gf that you haven’t communicated with in ages, I know you have several)’. These thoughts are what I’ll call the gateway thoughts. The ones that lead to the more intrusive, provocative, contemplative thoughts that sneak in with the benign group. Hiding in plain sight.

They whisper, they yell, they tell the truth and they lie. They test your ability to be alone and reflective. The ‘why is this happening to me?’, ‘have I done something to deserve this, am I a bad person?’, ‘will I ever be able to travel?’, ‘is this all worth it?’. They make you look back at the life you thought you’d be living at this point and compare it to the reality you find yourself mired in. They test your ability to identify lies from truth; past from present. You cannot compare your current reality with a thought you had years ago when you really knew nothing about yourself. You didn’t know what you didn’t know. The people that can’t be alone with their thoughts shouldn’t be ashamed or frustrated or whatever terrible things they’re thinking about this perceived failure. Who the fuck wants to sit around and be bombarded with shitty thoughts about illness and what all they’ve ‘lost’ because of it. I can be alone with my thoughts, but find it extremely difficult to keep them from taking me to dark places. So I attempt to reign them in and let them try their best to destroy my armour. I let the less intrusive ones in…I may have something to learn or benefit from them. The more positive questions have led me to test out mindfulness and other coping mechanisms (some work, some don’t). At the end of the day, I can be alone with my thoughts, sometimes I even welcome them, sometimes they bombard me uninvited, but are a result of my alone time. Maybe not healthy, maybe I should try the avoidance technique? Which is the best? I guess whatever strategy keeps you going…